If Spam were the ham-want-a-be instead of junk e-mail, I could say you are what you eat. That's because Spam is supposed to be a reflection of who you are, based on the websites you visit and the cookies that follow you home. I have the obligatory bulk mail folder that fills up faster than the New Orleans levies during Katrina. But, it's a social phenomenon that deserves closer scrutiny. In the interest of scientific investigation and self-diagnosis, I'll share some recent e-mails and what it tells you about my pathetic life. I'll break it down by e-mail subject and what I think it means.

(1) Penis enlargements Cheap! - How do they know my size?

(2) Refinance Before it's Too Late - Too late for what? To pay the refinance charge?

(3) Viagra on Sale - Is my poor performance showing?

(4) Nigerian Attorney Needs Your Attention - I wonder what that's all about?

(5) Get Your Free I-Pod - Who says nothing is free anymore?

(6) Get Paid While You Sleep _ Who said if you snooze, you lose.

(7) Hot Chicks in Your Area - Does that mean the KFC around the corner?

(8) E-Bay tips for Dummies - Who are you calling a dummy?

(9) We have Found Your Missing Money - Did you go under my sofa cushions again?

(10) Invitation From Donald Trump - I get to hear "You're Fired” in person

(11) Drug Rehab Center - Gotta kick that Tylenol

(12) Stop Paying Taxes! - And start going to prison, right?

(13) A Payday Loan to Cure Your Problem - Like getting stupid Spam mail?

(14) Great Careers Opportunity - Did I mention I'm retired?

(15) Party Poker Your Way - Like cheating to win?

(16) Get Your Degree Online - I always wanted to be a rocket scientist.

(17) A Woman Wants You - This must be from my daughter needing money

(18) Costa Rica Land is Yours - Funny, I don't remember ordering any.

(19) Spanish Lottery Winner - Send me my pecos ASAP, por favor.

(20) Gas Savings Instantly - Should I stop eating beans?

So now you know all my inner-most secrets about where I go on the Internet in my spare time and how it judges me. I guess I should stick to the basic news and travel sites because they should be safe enough. Unless I decide that the "Baghdad Cruise Special” I just received, is worth checking out.